I quickly confessed my lack of mastery regarding husbandry in the previous post. When it comes to the wife side of the house I do consider myself a proven expert. That is sarcasm, by the way. My sarcasm often gets me in trouble, and here with the written word I have to be very careful.
I have often thought if a marriage is pursuing biblical obedience, the wife has the most difficult role. From the beginning of time we see the picture of a marital power struggle. Let’s think about this for a moment… God created harmony in marriage to be found when the husband is pursuing Christ, then leading and encouraging his wife to journey with him. But the great sin of husbandry since the first husband, Adam, is the sin of leadership abdication. So, where the leadership of the husband is absent the wife is left in a significant dilemma.
God’s design in marriage
I have often said that submission is a joyful pursuit in a marriage where the husband is leading biblically. In these circumstances, the growing relationship with Jesus and continued conviction of the Holy Spirit creates a trajectory of maturity and intimacy (both spiritually and physically). These marriages will still experience difficulty, but they possess all of the tools (and weapons) to persevere those difficulties in a healthy way.
Unfortunately, there are many homes where the husband’s leadership is absent. These are the stories of heartbreak for me. Even as the design of marriage is grossly damaged, the biblical call to the wife is to submit to her husband (1 Peter 3:1). There are some obvious boundaries to this such as not following a wayward husband into blatant sin. This is such a difficult idea because the Bible doesn’t give wives the loophole to only submit when her husband is doing everything correctly. Even in his unfaithfulness to the Lord and his abdication of leadership, the call is to submit.
This is where we have to rest and hope in Jesus. If we believe, truly believe, in a sovereign God who works as his Word says that he works, then we must believe that He is working through the painstaking faithful-obedience of the wife. Peter describes a manner of God’s work in the marriage which indicates that He works to change the heart of the husband through the submission of the wife. Oh my… what a difficult path of faithfulness. Regardless of male or female, when we see a lack of leadership we often want to supply the missing element to restore harmony.
In the eyes of our Creator, harmony is only found in the obedience of his word. So although it seems antithetical, the call is to continue in obedience and let God work in ways that only he can. Wives, pursue Jesus with your husbands. Pray for his leadership and encourage him in the ways that lead your home. As times become difficult, fight the urge to lead in his absence and cling to the promises and faithfulness of your God. He is faithful and will work in ways greater than you could even imagine.
Wives, I would love for you to share how you feel God has stretched and grown you in this area… Are there areas where this biblical picture of marriage has come easy or difficult?
Matt Powell serves as teaching pastor at Crossings Community Church, a body of believers whose mission is to engage, equip, and empower homes for gospel transformation in Katy, TX.
I have found that its easier for me to submit when I’m praying that he would be submissive toward the Lord’s will in our marriage and our family. Then I also pray that The Lord would help me to submit to him even when it isn’t easy or what I think is best. Something Joel does that helps me trust his leadership is that he makes me feel my opinions are smart and valid. He considers my viewpoint on things and will ask for help. That makes me feel valued and very much appreciated by him. It’s easy to submit in that setting.
Your prayer encouragement is really great… such a practical help for wives wrestling through the difficulty of walking this stuff out.
Also, a good word for the husbands to hear as well in regards to valuing our wives’ wisdom. I have learned through many mistakes that Lori (my bride) is one of the greatest ways the Holy Spirit brings confirmation or denial to my perception of God’s leading. If we are both growing in Him then we are each others greatest spiritual asset aside from the source Himself.
So ten years ago I often skipped over the end of Ephesians 5 because I thought the biblical role of submission was just too difficult. God has led me so gently into understanding that this is the most important thing that I can do in our marriage. It is defiantly easiest to submit to Daniel when I see him following The Lord to the very best of his ability. Submission is hardest when we are in an argument or I do not agree with the decision he is making. It is in those times where I have felt God reminding me that I am submitting to Daniel as to the Lord and He is glorified in that.
Thank for your words, Kimberly! I really appreciate your honesty. I think there are a lot of ladies who can identify with that idea of it being just too difficult.
Im so crazy blessed to have a husband that chases the Lord. Still, there have been a handful of times over our 15 years of marriage when I felt a different pull of the Holy Spirit than Matt. I’ll never forget when Matt was pursuing an army career. I had a strong soul stirring going on–I just “knew” we weren’t supposed to go that route. Still, I submitted to Matt and trusted that God would pull us where He wanted to. Sure enough, with about 24 hours to go before signing up to be an army family, Matt said “no”. He said God was saying “no”. I am so grateful for that (seriously nerve wracking) experience. It was difficult, but God has used that experience in the past 11 years so many times to remind to listen to His Spirit. God is always faithful, and He speaks. Submitting to Matt, although sometimes challenging, has been a source of great blessing in my life.
Yes, good times…. Then not too long afterward was our move to Dallas which forever changed the way I lead our home. I pushed that we needed to move and Lori didn’t feel the same direction. She graciously followed my leadership and God made it so obvious, so very fast, that I had not valued what He was doing in her heart. The way she ‘submitted’ through that is what God used to show me how He would speak and validate my inclinations through her prayerful discernment. He had many great purposes in that season of our life but one of them was for me to learn how to value my wife’s thoughts as the leader of our home. I don’t know if I would have learned another way aside from her being faithful in submitting through that process.
Great story. Matt is quite the adventurous type. And to think after all of the things he considered, God gave him the most adventurous job of all. A church planter.
The first time I read “Wives submit to your husbands…” I threw my bible across the room. No joke. But I’ve found that a true biblical understanding of the meaning on this text has now made it one of my most cherished scriptures of all. The modern connotation that goes with “submit” is a pretty nasty one. It helps me very much to think of my role as “respecting” my husband rather than “submitting”. When I respect my husband, I follow his lead even when I disagree. Most of the time, watching my husband thrive because he is respected by his wife is so much more valuable than winning the disagreement. And I’m the first to admit, one of the reasons I’m a lawyer is because I LOVE arguing to win
But even more than that, I love watching God lead us through an amazing journey that is better than what I would choose for myself because I have chosen to “submit” to my husband.
Mary Beth, I appreciate your comment because it is such a great picture of God’s grace and His work of transformation in us. One moment you were throwing your Bible across the room and then later it is one of your most cherished scriptures. Praise God that He changes our hearts! I’m sure there was much wrestling between those two points in your journey.
So appreciate your wisdom here… thank you!